When the time and the fate have favored me, I was proudly sitting in the science class. I really had no idea about my future and I had no ambition at all. I wanted to be one of the top students in the class, that’s all but I didn’t ponder on where the science would lead me to in the future.
“I wanna become an Engineer or a Doctor.” I used to say when the curious friends and anticipated teachers ask me but I really didn’t mean it. Deep within my cerebrum, I used to think that I was not capable of becoming any of these two. Days passed hastily and I developed some interest in what I was telling.
As one must become only one, I decided to lose interest in mathematics and improve my knowledge in biology. It’s the starting point of my ambition.
“I like to become Doctor.” And yes! God again favored me. I got a scholarship to study medicine in Sri Lanka with some of the new faces. You never know how privileged you must have felt at the moment you were offered. Gradually the precious gemstone was no more to be seen and all that I could see were the dull pebbles on the shore.
In the society, medical students are highly respected. However, I personally would like to say that I lose self respect being a medical student. I become the cruel creature ever existed in the world. Here’s why?
“Why did I become the medical student? Instead, I must have gone to Engineering college.”
“What is the use of studying if it’s to be forgotten”, that’s when I forget the things that I have studied.
“It’s impossible for me to become a good doctor”, it’s when I lose self-esteem or when I feel irrelevant with my own ideas.
“Given a chance, I would give up this course and find another one which is much easier”, tremendously frustrated with some simple things on my way I utter those words even if I know it’s impossible to turn back.
And as if my friends are the disturbances, I didn’t want to stay with them. “I don’t wanna stay here anymore, I need a separate house.” I shifted to the new place away from their house but that doesn’t make me better at all.
Now that I am in the new house completely isolated, I feel differently. “Oh! It’s better to be with friends. Situation doesn’t become better at all even if am alone. Why did I come here”.
Nothing seems alright in my cerebral hemisphere. Before I do one thing, I always think it’s gonna be interesting. Moreover, my desire to do that particular thing becomes too immense to stop myself from doing it. However, once I have done them, I always regret for that. I could not understand whether it’s the life phenomenon or a punishment specifically for me.
Everything would just go in the same way hereafter too. Wanting to do followed by doing and finally regretting it, it’s inevitable and I must go with it. Life is full of unexpected events, right now I am aware that I am writing something that defame myself but it’s gonna be like this every time.
“Despite knowing that you are doing wrong, you still want to do that because that’s how you are designed”